Hell Yeah

Skiing was AMAZING. I couldn't believe how much I liked it. I expected to spend half the day on my ass with little kids jumping over my head, but it wasn't like that at all. The coach from school that organized the trip told me that if I helped him out with the kids I could go for free (result!). After we got to Mt. High I figured out that everything I got (lesson, equipment, lift passes, etc.) was worth almost $80. The only kid that went that I really knew was Ivan, who I recently expelled from my class and moved into the no-nonsense veteran teacher's class. Anyway, he didn't seem to hold a grudge, because he followed me around most of the day and skiied several runs with me and went on the lift with me 5 times. I was a HUGE source of entertainment for him, and he kept screaming my name across the slopes. "Miss FLANSBURG! Over here! Come on!" People looked a little confused that I kept catching up to the little ghetto black kid with poor grammar and coasting onto the lift with him. "Are you two together?" eyebrows-raised-lift-operator inquires. "YES!" I grinned proudly.

Ivan was my own personal cheerleader. On the ride up he told me about how he used to live in a mini-mansion, but things started getting bad when his dad went to jail. He thinks his dad went to jail for speeding. "Every single time my dad went to jail it was for speedin', Miss Flansburg. And then a man stole $3000 from my daddy and we couldn't pay da bills." But his dad taught him to ski and his mom has been making sure he goes on all the school's ski trips, so he's a happy kid.

When we first got there Coach and I had to do a lot of paperwork. All of our kids were underage so we had to sign their equipment out for them. That took almost an hour. Then we lugged all of our stuff up to the slopes and Coach said he would teach me how to ski or I could go join a class. I opted for the class. I would rather be embarassed in front of people I don't see most days of the week. So I went up and joined the beginner class. It was me, a teenage girl, two bad-ass teenage boys, and a group of Japanese tourists. Scott was our ski instructor. So we put a ski on, figured out how to take it off, swapped it onto the other foot, slid around a little. It was a slow beginning. Then we tried to do the wedge deal. I concentrated really hard and had it altogether until I turned at the bottom of the slope and fell over. I wasn't embarassed, though. I figured there was no way to figure it out without toppling over a few times. But then I got up, dusted off, tried to turn around, and toppled over again. The turning around was REALLY hard. So Scott says, "Kate is having a little trouble but she'll sort it out soon. This is a good time to learn how to turn around." So then he showed us the 12,000 step process for turning around when stationary and I didn't fall anymore. As the lesson wore on I started to notice something. Scott kept looking straight at me when he delivered his lecture. Hmm... Maybe that's because I'm one of the few here who speak English. Yeah, that is it. Then I realized that he was saying my name ALL the time. "Excellent, Kate. You got it, Kate. Don't worry about falling on your head, Kate." Um, why didn't he ever say anyone else's name? Two of the Japanese tourists simply could not get it and basically rode the slopes on their asses for the next half hour. He told the rest of us to go up the little moving ramp thing that would deliver us to the top of the bunny slopes and try a couple of runs. I did three while the Japanese ladies were getting hauled around by Scott, and by the time that was over I was super-confident that I could go pretty fast without falling down. I couldn't slow down as quickly as I wanted to, but if I got desperate I knew I could just topple over. Then we all went over to the lift and got in line. I was at the front and Scott skiied up in all his expert-glory and explained to us how to ride the thing. I was intimidated. I felt certain I could ski up to the red line but then I wouldn't be able to stop and I'd fall over and get knocked in the head by the moving chair and, well, you see where my mind was wandering. So Scott is like, "I'll ride first with Kate."

Um, OK. So then we get on without incident and I was soooo relieved. I was holding my poles really stiffly in one hand and clenching the sidebar with the other. We were sooooooo high and the seat was pitched forward like if you didn't grip with your ass cheeks and your hand you would plunge straight down. So Scott reaches over and grabs my hand that is clutching the poles in a death-grip and gently pushes it back toward my body nearly right into my boob and laughs and says, "Relax! Just enjoy the ride" I didn't jerk away or give him a dirty look. I just laughed and started babbling about how fun it is to ski and isn't it a gorgeous day and how many times have people fallen off the lift this year? He was laughing really hard and then he reached over and GRABBED MY THIGH. I was like, did he just touch my leg? What the hell? Then he starts telling me about people who have fallen off the lift and then I am REALLY, REALLY concerned. I'm clinging for dear life. Then he keeps talking and grabbing my thigh and patting my leg every couple of seconds. I just pretended not to notice. Besides, he was kind of sexy. But the whole stereotypical-womanizer profession was a bit of a turn off. Then, just when I thought I could convince myself he was just being a friendly ski instructor, he reaches into his zipped up pocket and pulls out a business card and tells me, "If you ever want to do a one-on-one lesson, give me a call. You'll get a lot farther working alone with me." My mouth gaped. I just took the card and put it in my pocket. I was mildly annoyed because I had to remove my hand from the bar that I was convinced would save my life, but I was flattered nonetheless. After we got to the end of the ride I "unloaded" without incident. This skiing thing seems to be my bag, baby. Then the rest of the group arrived, two by two, and we laughed our asses off watching them try to stand up and glide off, but failing miserably and landing in piles and heaps and trying to crawl out of the way of the next people.

Then we all went down the mountain and I was HAULING ass and didn't fall once! It was awesome. After that, Ivan was my playmate on the slopes and we had a great time. He kept trying to get me to do the jumps but I didn't feel ready by a long shot. Once, I wiped out and he nearly choked to death laughing at me. "Miss Flansburg! When you flipped over I was laughin' so hard that I fell down, too!"

So it's two days later and the only muscles that really hurt are the ones in the back of my arms. Probably from pushing off with the poles. But I have bruises ALL OVER my body. I look like a battered wife. It's crazy. I thought I was going to have mad blisters, but there is barely anything tender about my feet. Hmm. I don't know how I got this inner thigh bruise or the one that looks like a finger mark on my upper arm. Crazy stuff. Oh, and of course I got sunburned. I put on sunscreen but I'm just too white. I burned my nose, forehead, and the worst is my scalp where I part my hair. I wish I had found a hat!

I have a lot to say about Sunday, too, because I hung out in Ventura with Justin. I really like this guy. He is smart, funny, blunt, and HOT. Right before I left he kissed me. He is a great kisser and his body is like a brick wall. I touched his waist when he was kissing me and I seriously gasped and said, "You are so hard!" And then, of course, I wished that I had thought a little before I spoke and he roared with laughter and said, "Not yet!" It's seriously mind-boggling, though. I didn't know a living thing could feel like that. And there wasn't anything between my hand and his skin, so there's no doubt he is fit as hell. I'm gonna ask him what he lifts. It must be some insane amount. After we finished making out I had to smile because the entire bottom half of his face was covered in glitter. I gave him the heads-up. Brandy will have a field day teasing him abou that. It was from my Lancome gloss. Oops.

Umm, what else to tell about date number 2... I met his roommate, Brandy, who is dating his good friend and who took Justin's picture for the online-dating profile. She seems lovely. She smiled and shook my hand and then took off like all good friends should do when it is completely obvious that you're about to make out with a chick in a parking lot. I saw their apartment. It's huge and very close to the beach. The complex has tons of birds-of-paradise flowers so it looks really exotic.

Justin said he wants to come out to Palmdale, so I have to design something for us to do that isn't completely boring. I might just meet him in Santa Clarita. It's halfway and there is more to do there.

What else... We drank margaritas. Oh, I like that. He drinks and I drink and everyone is happy. And we walked along the marina and looked at boats and he told me a lot about them because, duh, he's in the navy so he knows. He wants to go whale watching and maybe camp out. Fun stuff!

Oh, oh! This is the best part. I told him that I shot skeet once and I really liked it and he said that he can get me on base and we can shoot skeet there! So I am mega-excited about that and I hope we go soon.

What is it with the Italians???

Jesus fucking Christ! The third one this week and another LOSER!

Hi how are you!!! My name is marco, I do not have a pic but I am an handsome man, 6'2", blue eyes shave bald hair, I sell cars GMC, today I sold a big Yukon XL Danali. I speak Spanish good,and Italian because that is where I am from.I am a really nice guy, ready to love a woman for a very long time, I am very passionate in my life, I love life, is a great gift. I hope you will take the time to write me back. 2 years ago a got the real estate license. I am a smart guy great companion, funny and sweet, I take life and people very seriously. I really hope you will write me.Ciao Marco

Where the hell are all these creepy Italians coming from?

Tomorrow is ski day (aka the day the children pull a Lord of the Flies moment and kill me on the slopes). On Sunday I'm going out with Justin. I talked to him on the phone for about an hour last night and he is really serious and kind. He didn't overdo the compliments, but he said a couple of great things that I've been thinking about all day. One thing really surprised me. He said that when he met me he expected me to be shy and quiet. He said he wasn't expecting the ballsy way I teased him and he liked that because he doesn't like statues. Hmmm. Then he said that I seem like a "my way or the highway" kind of person. He said, "I can see us going out on a fifth date and me saying something you don't like and you saying Sayonara without a second thought." Very, very interesting. That's how I like to think, but it's not always how I act. I told him he was very perceptive and to keep that thought in mind at ALL times. And he said not to take it the wrong way, but I seem like a bit of a princess. I told him that I take my time in the bathroom, so if he doesn't like it, get out now.

Anyway, I'm completely exhausted. I went shopping for a hat to wear tomorrow and all I came home with was tons of sexy underwear. My mind is already in the gutter. Good night.

Beautiful

Today at school one of the secretaries asked me if I would substitute for PE during my prep time. I said yes because I always say yes because I love getting that extra 32 dollars in my bank account. Anyway, it was 6th grade PE and a lot of my students were in the class I supervised. All girls. After they finally came out of the locker room (Jeez, how much time can they spend in there?) they all lunged for basketballs. I had my little timer so I had them race each other to see how quickly they could run a yellow line on the blacktop. They liked it but we got bored of that.

So several of my students and I crowded in to play half-court basketball. Cortny and Shanice were captains, and though Cortny loves to torture me on a daily basis, I got picked first for her team. So for 30 minutes we played basketball. No lessons, no worksheets, no vocabulary, no grades. Just pure fun. The day was gorgeous. The sky was bright blue with huge, billowing white clouds overhead. The kids were in high spirits because the gray weather had finally shifted. The girls were lovely and kind and pathetically grateful for attention. And Cortny seemed very happy with me because I made the first two points of the game. Of course, our team won.

There weren't any fights on the playground, no one cursed, no one said they were gonna call their mama. I loved it. I love my kids, I love my school, I love my job. I don't think a happier place existed in the world this afternoon.

Justin = Jackpot

Justin is definitely scoring points. I just got an e-mail from him. I finally wrote to him last night and I mentioned this old creep who follows me around the gym. I told him that that is the reason I look for guys to date on the internet; only weirdos and boys under 14 want to go out with me. So he wrote back and he said, "I'm sure every guy with a pulse wants to date you, you just won't admit it."

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Anyway, breathing deeply. Not putting my entire self-worth into his opinion of me, and definitely not putting all my eggs in one basket... But still really, really liking him.

Random Stuff

My skin looks soooooo good. That lasering I've been getting is making a big difference. I think I am going to get two more treatments and then stop. And the Metrogel that the dermatologist gave me is amazing. I've only had two little tiny pimples since I started using it three weeks ago and they were barely noticeable. I went nuts spending money last weekend and picked up some Nivea anti-wrinkle cream and some eye-brightening stuff. The eye stuff feels so good! I love it, if you have tired eyes you should pick it up. It makes my make-up go on really nicely under my eyes, too.

Oooh, Justin wrote to me yesterday morning at 7 a.m. but I didn't write back yesterday. So today I get home and he wrote again around 3 in the afternoon and wants to figure out a time when we can meet again.

I'm going skiing this Saturday but if Friday night works for him I'm going to meet him. I get off of work at noon (yes!) on Friday because it's one of those days that we change classrooms. I was sooooo tired today and I'm really looking forward to the end of the week. I think it's because I worked out last night. The night before I got drunk OFF MY ASS after I got home and then I ended up puking in the toilet for half an hour. But the next morning I felt really good, so I think it let me let go of some steam. And there is no doubt that going full tilt on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then doing another 15 on the treadmill is relieving my stress. Tomorrow is Weight Watchers and I'm really looking forward to it because a) I'm positively wasting away and b) the leader is HILARIOUS. She has good advice, too. Like not to take things in our personal lives and ponder them too long. Move on. Don't let bad thoughts eat at you. Appreciate the times that you have enjoyed in your life and don't let disappointments color your thoughts.

After my lasering is finished on my chin I'm going to get the broken veins in my leg erased. Then I'm going to spend every second of my time off of school in the summer at the beach, getting skin cancer and worshiping the sun. I can't wait.

It's been raining here so much. Palmdale is getting to be a real drag. I nearly plunged my car down a ravine that simply appeared in our road the other day (thanks to the downpour of rain). I'm really looking forward to getting out of here and going to Ventura and skiing (not in Ventura).

Oh yeah, I have another speed dating thing scheduled. I'm going to meet Julia and Valerie (the two chicks I met at the last speed dating thing) in LA for dinner and then we're going to another speed dating event in LA on Tuesday night. It's at this place that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon co-founded, so it should be semi-cool. I am going to wear that bra I just bought from VS. It makes my boobs levitate, I swear to God.

Oh my God! I never wrote about speed dating! OK, it was a blast, it really was. When I first got there I got my name tag and I was number 1, then they put me at table A, so of course I thought it was a sign and this meant that all the men would be subconsciously drawn to check YES next to their scorecards for me. Among the 20 men there were an adult film producer, a film critic, a sports reporter, 3 lawyers, and a bunch of random guys that were probably lying about their jobs like everyone else. OK, man 1 was a 6-foot-tall Chinese lawyer. American born and bred, but I simply wasn't that into him. He reaches out to shake my hand. I jump from nerves and shake his, knocking over the burning white candle in the process. Hot white wax flies ALL OVER his black jeans, so it looks like he shot his load within 5 seconds of sitting down. Oops. At first he thought it was just a drink. Then he started to look a little panicked. Then he was making a serious effort to stay calm and he said, "That's alright, when we meet again you can buy me a drink." He said this with a big grin. I felt bad, but I checked no. The weirdest guy was the film critic. Something was wrong with him. He kept shaking and taking a long time to answer questions and leaning in WAY too close. Plus he came over to my little table when it wasn't his turn and the moderator made fun of him and said he didn't know his alphabet. To top it all off, he was wearing a black and red zebra-stripe shirt that looked like SHIT.

I liked the personality and look of the sports reporter but I hate sports and told him so. Oops. Plus he was short, so no big deal.

The fun Egyptian girl, Valerie, told me a story about some freak that she met on the internet. She said when she saw him in the restaurant that they decided to meet at, she could have turned around and walked away, but she felt bad so she went through with the date. He looked like the Pillsbury Dough boy. No definition whatsoever. She said he was a real jerk the whole time and then when they were having coffee he leaned in to kiss her. She said she leaned way back and laughed, "What do you think you're doing?" He goes, "You know you want to!" Anyway, she never answered his calls after that. Then, GUESS WHO shows up at speed dating? The internet guy that she had been talking about 10 minutes before. His name is Adam. And, of course, he checked yes to me. Because complete PSYCHOS LOVE to date me. That was the cool thing about it; after the speed dating you got to see who liked you that you said no to. And my ego inflated hugely because 16 of the 20 liked me. Two of them were special effects guys and one of them worked on AI and Bicenntenial Man. And while neither movie hit it big, they both had amazing special effects.

The other guy that completely adored me (sorry, I sound Narcissistic but it is true) was a sixth grade teacher. Ha. He was not my type AT ALL, but he was so sweet. He could hear that my voice was starting to go, so he went up to the bar and got me a glass of water without even mentioning it to me. And then after the dating event he came over and said how nice it was to meet me. Aww.

So speed dating was cool because I met two awesome women there, but it wasn't all that because there was slim picking among the men. The encouraging thing was that it seems most of them are successful professionals (or so they say).

It was fun to get out, though, so I'm going to go again next week. Maybe there will be someone more my speed or maybe Justin will prove to be the complete sweetheart that he seems to be. We'll see...

My Momster

My mom just got back from Turkey and LOVED it. She says I should apply through DODDs to teach in Turkey, which I fully intend to do. After the way she and Justin have been talking about it, it seems like the perfect place for me.

Here are her comments:
Turkey was indeed absolutely awesome. I was there for just a few days, but here are my impressions of Turkey - I made some notes as I waited for my plane from Adona to Istanbul.......

My arrival - VISA stamp - Polisi - wait, wait, OK, come in Turkey!
Donkey carts and American cars.....
Blue Eyes
The beautiful new mosque - both day and night memories of this.
The Roman bridge - both seen and traveled over!
Fruit basket and pistachios in my room at the Hodja Inn!
Old Adana....women in cotten Turkish pants, head covering, occasional mysterious women shrouded in black, holding their veil over their faces...
Friendly people!
Happiness.
Shopping in the Allee...leather at "Pops", bags, coats, pottery bowls and plates, gold! Towels, rugs.
Lamb, chicken, spinach. Baklava! Apple tea. Scented water sprinkled on our hands as we left a restaurant. Bread with sesame seeds.
Blue sky, palm trees, citrus trees. Am I in Tucson?
Super security on base. Bomb dogs. Gate pass, country clearance, NATO orders. Red stamps!
"The Land of Not-Quite-Right" seeking entry in the EU.
Cats everywhere!
Hussein's special tour of Old Adana in the Government van.
Biblical references and locations everywhere.
"Rescued" by a porter when left at the Domestic terminal rather than the International - he grabbed my cases, shouted "Hurry" and led me to the right place, escorted me through security, turned me over to the ticket clerk....then bowed! I handed over $10 bucks....& murmured "Thank you.....Danke Schürn......"Grazie"......
Camels and Hodja! Dervishes.
I must return to Turkey!

When I finally reached home and my own bathroom, I realized "I haven't peed since Istanbul". That ranks right up there with "Are these your worms on the kitchen floor?". Both sentences I never thought to utter.

Note from Kat:
Yeah, when I was six I got a little over-zealous in the rose garden and brought all the worms inside the kitchen so that I could play with them on the tile floor. I got bored, went upstairs, and made a racetrack out of books lined up side by side all around the perimeter of my room, and then momster screamed up the stairs, "Katherine! Are these your worms on the kitchen floor?" She's never let me forget about it.

A Great Date

Today was a very, very, very good day. I shopped and bought TONS of gorgeous new clothes. I got two wool skirts from Ann Taylor, a tweed skirt from NY&Co., two pretty wrap tops (both pink), a push-up bra from Victoria's Secret that makes my tits look AMAZING, some Heavenly body wash from Victoria's Secret, and some new powder that Estee Lauder just launched. It felt great to spend money. It really, really did. And the best part was that Ann Taylor was having a sale, so I got 5 great pieces there for less than 90 dollars, and everything looks tailored, classy, and sleek. The cream pants I got are wool and lined and my ass looks hot in them. Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot this. The REAL best part is that everything I bought from Ann Taylor and NY&Co is a size 8, which I think I was for 6 minutes in the 7th grade.

When I left shopping I met Justin in Simi Valley. Oh my God. He is mega-hot. He looks better than his pic. And I can't believe how huge he is. I had to really work to keep my mouth shut so I didn't say the completely inappropriate thoughts that were running through my head. We had a really good time. We went out to eat at Chili's and we were there talking for over 2 hours. I couldn't really tell if he was just being polite or if he was into me until I mentioned that I am suspicious that Harryson, my 11-year-old problem student, has a crush on me. He looked at me and said, "Yes, he does. I'm telling you right now that he definitely has a crush on you."

Aww, Justin thinks I'm pretty. Anyway, I don't know that much about him. He's 25 years old, born in October, like me. He works on one of the bases in Ventura. He's 6'5", his dad is 6'4", he is from a tiny town in Illinois really near where I used to live when I was in high school. He's been in the Navy since '98, his arms are as big around as tree trunks, he has gorgeous, dark brown eyes, and his teeth are really really white. He works out 5 times a week. He's been to Italy (blech), Turkey, and tons of other places that I can't remember. He also has two female roommates. Hmmmmm........ I don't think I should have asked him 3 times if he was married. Because I asked him so much he now is constantly asking me if I have a husband.

Oh, and he owns two Mustangs. As in the car, not the horse. And he has some other random car that he is going to use for drag racing. All of this makes him sound very young and boyish, but I'm telling you the guy is smart. He was talking about ancient artifacts and the impact of atmospheric elements on the integrity of the external blah blah blah. He told me that he pours a lot of money into his car, but I pour a lot of money into my body treatments and clothes and stuff so I really can't judge. Anyway, I like him. I think he is a good guy. He said he has never met anyone else off of the internet before and he is single, and I believe him. Oh, I peaked at the bill. It was 50 bucks because we dipped into the liquor quite a bit, and I made a move to pay and he wouldn't have it. This guy is a real man. Yummy.

Tomorrow Mike wants to meet me. I'm digging on Mike because he is tall, dark, and handsome. From Morocco and he speaks Arabic. I have decided I'm going to pick my Arabic back up, so I don't think he is a bad dating prospect at all. He lives in Northridge, which is a lot closer than Justin lives, but not as beautiful. I'll let you know how that goes.

Torrance

I went to Torrance yesterday and had a blast! I visited Candice and stayed over with her. We went out to eat with 8 of her girlfriends from college. They were AMAZING. I liked all of them. One of them is dating a cop that she met when she wanted to make a report on a child beater that she saw in Wal-Mart. Isn't that a great story? "I saw this trashy bitch smacking her kid so I called Children and Family services right in her face. She broke my phone and then I went and grabbed a cop in the street." Ha ha ha. They've been dating for a month. And the other girls were really funny. One of them plays Poker for a living. She doesn't have a job, she just plays cards a couple of nights a week. Sweet, but scary. Then we all went out to see Hitch and I felt like a fool because I left my phone on in the theatre and the new love interest, Justin, called me. Anyway, I shut it off as quickly as I could and called him back later. We're going out tomorrow. He lives sort of near Italian schmuck, but far enough away that I know I won't see the dirty bastard. The movie Hitch is HILARIOUS from beginning to end. I love Eva Mendes and her body is the one I strive for. That girl's hips and ass are to DIE for! I'm going to work out today so I can sculpt my bootie into her shape.

I talked to Afarin today (she called me to tell me that my room is open and I can move back in any minute if I want to) and she said that Orazio is a loser, bottom line, and he has chosen this sad, pity-life where his sorry hairdresser wife has to support him. And we agree that it's only a matter of minutes before he starts cheating on her again. He has to do something to convince himself he is worth something to someone, right? Afarin is great. And so smart. I remember her saying that she and I didn't know what he is doing during the week we he wasn't around me, so don't get too caught up in him. I knew she was right then, and I'm glad I never trusted him enough to give him all my heart and secrets and MONEY! Ha ha ha. That's the best part. I was too smart to give him a cent and I will always congratulate myself for it. His wife may have him at home, telling her he loves her forever, but all she's really gotten is the role of supporting him. If I was her, I would invest money in a one-way ticket to Italy and kick his ass out of my house and onto the nearest Alitalia flight. Let him go live with his real mommy.

Fun Fun Fun!

I have yet to post about speed-dating, but I will. It was so eventful and comical that a lot of time must be devoted to it, and I have been too busy to write a long post.

But let me tell you about last weekend! I went down to LA with Tom and saw Cindy (lawyer-friend), her parents, husband, daughter, my friend Candice, and the NEW CHINESE BABY! The baby is sooooo cute. I took a million pictures with her and they are getting developed overnight right now. I'll try to post a good one. The kid is amazing. She is into everything and she let me hold her and she grabbed onto my hair and PULLED it. She reached out to grab Tom's face and he just stared at her like he was going to smack her. Then he laughed when they took her away.

I, of course, ate salmon. It was a really nice lunch. Plus, they were filming some movie there at the Proud Bird restaurant. There are tons of old planes, so it makes a good backdrop.

I called my mom's friend, Charlie, in L.A. I told her I'm in Palmdale and my mom said that she might be producing some independent films out here. Charlie was HIGH energy and really sweet. She said she has 3 projects going on out here right now and she would call her girlfriends to find out if they needed any extras to begin with. Cool! So maybe I'll be in some random independent film in the next couple of months.

Then I got chatting to Cindy and she uses three brokers with her practice. I need to latch on to a broker so that I can legally sell properties. Cindy gave me their names (two local, one down in the Huntington Beach area) and said I should call them and drop her name. So at least I have a toe in the door, there.

Oh, dear. Turmoil at school. Four of one of the other teacher's kids have requested to be moved to my classroom. They declare my class is "tight" and they begged her to make an earthquake video like my class is doing. Then, later in the day, the other teacher stopped by my room and collapsed into a chair. We started shooting the breeze and then she said, "You know what the kids did, don't you?" I said, "No, whose kids?" I was panic-stricken that my hoodlums had set fire to the gym or something. She said, "Three of my kids brought black spray paint to school and painted all kinds of stuff on the wall by the gym and in the boys' bathroom. It was about me and it wasn't nice, I can tell you." Oh God. I couldn't think of anything comforting to say. At least my ignorance of it must have given her some comfort. The rumors about her weren't flying as fast as she might have thought.

And now tomorrow night is going to be a blast, too! I'm running down to Huntington Beach to hang out and stay over with Candice. We're going to a party for one of her friends. It should be really fun. Apple martinis all around. And then on Sunday there is a strong possibility that I'm going to meet Justin, navy man, 6 FEET 5 INCHES tall. Damn. You know he's hung like a horse. That should be fun.

And there is even more on the dating front! There were two women that were awesome that I met at the last speed dating and we really hit it off. We're going to pick a speed date night, go out to eat, and then speed date. It should be a blast. They are hilarious and well-educated.

Oh my God. I went to weigh-in at Weight Watchers tonight. The woman at the scale couldn't believe it. She kept re-reading the numbers. She finally said, "You've lost 6.6 pounds this week! What happened?" I just smiled and said, "Man trouble, of course. I hope he dies a slow and painful death." She laughed and said, "You just tell him that you're too pretty to put up with any crap. You'll find someone wonderful with no problem! Look at you!" I really really like that weigh-in lady. And not to sound vain, but I know she's right.

How FREAKY is this?

So I posted my profile on a dating site and this is what I received today:

Ciao Kate,
I introduce myself, my name is Linus (38), and I do write you from Italy. At first congratulations for your picture, it is quite nice also, and your sight is definitely sweet and I think it reveals your energy. I have seen your photo and read your profile and you seem to me an smart and sparkly woman,perhaps with a character somewhat strong, or not?. But also may be it's a hub of your charm. I cannot explain why, but your picture made me think about Venice, had you been there? , I mean your sight and smile made me think about sightseeings and a nice dinner in Venice. Well not today because its completely snowed and frozen. But in Spring is like a dream.I think is correct to send you a photo of mine (since I saw yours and I enjoyed them), therefore but it was impossible to attach more than one, sorry. I promise to send others by email.I wish you the best and I'm looking forward for your answer.
Tanti bacioni (lots of kisses)Linus

No, no, no, no! Not another one!

Sweet Harryson

Dear little angel-child Harryson got himself into some more trouble this week. He told Marcus that, "If a girl is calling your house and you don't like her, just tell her that you're going to stick your dick in her ass and then she'll stop calling you."

Nothing can shock me anymore.

He was suspended for three days. I miss him.

Are you a Brain Surgeon?

This weekend was the best weekend ever! Unfortunately, I had to go to professional development (blech, yuck, ick) but it wasn't that bad. Of course, some revolting male teacher was there from my middle school and he felt it necessary to pass me post-it notes with "funny comments" on them throughout the seminar. Things like, "I think the presenter is Southern Baptist. Hallelujahhhhhhh!" Only his spelling was much worse and he drew happy faces (complete with hair) on the post-its. The worst was, "You always look very serious. Does this mean you are a deep person?" Of course, to be polite I had to smile. But I always looked away deliberately in case he made the serious misstep of asking me to go out with him. Turns out he is the summer school teacher, so he got my worst student for a catch-up class when we were on break. Poor guy.
Anyway, after the development --all 6 Saturday-morning hours of it -- I packed up my comforter, pillow, and sparkly stuff and drove down to Irvine. I bought a book on CD a little while ago, so the drive wasn't bad at all because I got to listen to "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime" all the way down. It's really good. It's British, so I understand the slang and most of the allusions to popular culture, and it's about a boy with Asperger's Syndrome, which is a type of autism where the person can't decipher others' emotions and facial expressions. I taught at that autistic school in London and worked with a young man with Asperger's, so I keep thinking about him and how the boy in the story is very similar in his peculiarities. I particularly like the main character because, thanks to his disability, he has a complete incapacity to lie.
I got to Jinna's swank apartment and met her roommates. They are AWESOME! Julie is the girl and Sunny is the boy. There's another boy roommate but I didn't meet him. Their place is really nice. Even the laundry rooms have proper little buildings with doors and they have ducks swimming in a pond. I got there, changed, spackled on make-up, and then we got in Jinna's car and drove back into LA for the VA colleges mixer. On the way there I found out that Sunny is a singer and he has a manager. He was singing in the apartment and the car and he is really, really good. He sounds professional. And then he mentioned that he has been to Rent and got a cool poster from there that turns out to be worth $300. Then I REALLY got excited. "You've been to RENT!!!! Oh my God, I've wanted to see that SO BADLY!!!" When I was in high school all the cool kids liked Rent and we had the soundtrack and listened to it ALL the time. I know every word to every song. I did a big art project when I was a senior and sketched all the main characters from Rent and my art teacher loved it. So anyway, Sunny started singing all the songs and I joined it and it brought back all these fun memories. Of course, Sunny is gay, which is why he is a guy and so into the play.
Julie was awesome, too. I like her because she doesn't find it out-of-place to make disgusting, explicit comments if the mood strikes her. When we were at the mixer, she decided she had to pee. When she came back from the bathroom, though, she was pissed off. "God, you know what just happened? I went into the bathroom and the first two stalls were shut, so I pushed open the third one and there was some bitch in there peeing." She goes, "Oh, Sorry! I should have locked the door!" "And then, I saw her BUSH. I didn't know we were coming to Busch Gardens. Gross."

A few minutes later, she jerks her head at this woman with a name tag that says 'Moira' on it and says, "There's bush woman. Ugh."
The mixer was cool. Jinna and I were the only girls from R-MWC there, which we weren't too surprised about. We got there at about 8:15 and asked the hostess of the restaurant/bar where the party was being held. She told me to go up the stairs to my left, so I led us all up there. We were there for a few minutes, looking around at the tables full of people, and then Sunny and Julie left to go pee. Jinna and I were chilling by the bar when this man comes up to me and goes, "Are you neurosurgeons?" I laughed loudly and said, "Yeah, I wish!" Then his smile kind of faltered and he said, "Well, this is the party for neurosurgeons. If you want the college thing it's farther up the staircase."

Oh.

Anyway, Jinna and I bolted. I wonder how the guy clued in that we weren't neurosurgeons. Was it my bright green coat? My sparkly blue eyeshadow? Jinna's fake Coach bag? We'll never know. So we darted into "our" party and were relieved to see that it wasn't as packed as the brain doctors' ball. We had room to breathe and we got swank nametags and everything. As we were at a bar and I hadn't been out in a long time, I felt it only necessary to order and consume 3 apple martinis within the next hour and a half. The four of us decided to be snobs and hang out on the Friends'-style couches in the back of the room. We posed for lots of pictures. I held up my apple-tini and got Jinna to take my picture, grinning as I held the gorgeous drink aloft. I vowed that the pic will be this year's Christmas card.

Sunny, Julie, and Jinna are all Asian. There was a sizeable group of Asian grads slightly to our left, and they never opened up their circle so that we could conglomerate. So after a while, I told the three that I hoped they weren't offended, but they were getting totally dissed by the Asian crowd. Julie was like, oh no, I don't know, they think you have to be super-slitty eyed to be Asian. I looked at her and I was like, "Come on. You know it's me. They're like Blonde Bimbo Alert, don't let them get near us." Then I did that exaggerated wink thing that I do and she laughed. I love Julie. And she has the best last name ever. I am seriously thinking about stealing it and changing my name legally.

The best part of the night was when I was elbowing my way through the crowd, hunting my third apple-tini, and Jinna was trailing me. Then she goes, "Hey! You missed it! That guy was totally checking you out and he said, 'You can tell she's a Virginia woman.'" Whatever that means, it sounds like a compliment. I like compliments. Or, it could just mean that I have big hair.

After a while we went out on the patio and chilled with a new crowd of people. There was a mildly attractive man on the staircase, but I didn't go near him. Julie and Jinna swore up and down that he kept looking at me. Julie told me to write my phone number down and hand it to him and say, "Here, you dropped this." But I was way too chicken. I'm feeling much, much more positive now, but I'm not completely healed from the last crash and burn.

We bolted out of the mixer and drove to K-Town (Korea Town) about 15 minutes away. Oh my GOD. Last time I had Korean food was with Jinna in Germany, but I still remember how good it was then. I ordered the same thing I had before, Bulgogi, and it was awesome. It's tender, marinated beef with rice. I had pickled turnip and cabbage, too, so I was in heaven. At the restaurant we met Jinna's friend Christine and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 27, a VA Tech grad, and has green hair which Christine dyed herself. Sunny kept going on about what a nice smile the guy had. Sunny, honey, he's straight.

When we finally got back to Irvine I was EXHAUSTED. I headed straight for the bathroom, scraped all the gunk off of my face, put on my jammies, and crashed on the sleeping-mat thing that Jinna got out for me. I think Julie stepped on me sometime in the middle of the night, but I can't be sure.

The next morning we got up around 9:30 and started getting ready for "Smart Man Hunting" in Huntington Beach. It only took us about half an hour to get there. I invited my friend Candice to come, too, so it was great to see her. She's really smart and frank and I think she operates at my frequency. I'm really comfortable with her. She wasn't intimidated at all that the presentation was also my alma mater's chapter meeting. She just jumped right in and talked to everybody. I didn't think Jinna would like the presentation that much, but she seemed really into it and had comments and everything. The woman who wrote the book didn't seem half as nutty this time around, and Jinna seemed relieved. Last time we saw her the woman had a booger in her nose, and Jinna almost killed me when she described it as a "bat in the cave".

I liked the presentation a lot. I talked a little bit about dating guys off of the internet because I was the only one who would admit to it. We talked about all the little signs that you give (or look for) to show interest in a long-term relationship. The author/presenter talked about her different codes for men. The one that made me feel ill was MBA (Married But Available). The one I pricked my ears up at was KOF (Keeper of the Fire). The KOF guys are the ones that always do something to show that they care about you and are genuinely interested in your well-being. She mentioned a man who worked for 4 hours on her computer to get all of the spyware off, and another one who would bring her a little present every time they had a date. One time it was a copy of his favorite CD. Another time it was a can of soup that she had mentioned that she liked. It dawned on me that that is the kind of man that is going to make me feel good about our relationship. I need to start looking for him.
Section 2 in "Smart Man Hunting" is all about speed dating. So I looked it up on the internet when I got home and I decided I'm going to do it. Twenty guys, 4 minutes for each guy. Those are good odds, aren't they? The weird thing is that the closest one I could find to Palmdale is in West Hollywood, which is a little sketchy. If I'm really lucky I'll meet someone to do something with on Valentine's Day.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm so excited about this. I can't do the first ski trip with the school because I have to take a test for my CA teaching credential to remain valid, but the second one is at the end of February and I'm totally going to go. It should be fun to go play around in the snow with the kids, and because it's the school rate it will be cheap. One of the PE teachers is always giving me a greasy smile, but hopefully he won't be going.

The worst news of this weekend is that I may be going to Virginia soon. My best friend's mother is critically ill and she may not live much longer. Her kidneys have shut down and I haven't heard much good news. I feel like my whole world has turned upside down.

The Joy of Teaching

We read a story in my class about a family that moved to America from China. In it, the young girl is repeatedly embarrassed by the actions of her family members. The worst is when her parents insist on slurping their soup in an elegant restaurant. After we read and discussed the story, I gave my students a simple assignment. Write about a time when you were embarrassed by a family member. If you don't finish it in class, you must finish it at home. That was yesterday.
This morning, I asked my students to get their stories out and let me read them and grade them as they worked on a short assignment at their desks. Most of the stories were the same, "My mama smacked me in the yard and my friends saw it and laughed at me." However, sweet young Harryson rose to the challenge to be original. Here's a snapshot of what he wrote:
"My most embirising moment was when see my dad came to the classroom to talk to my teacher and started jacking off at her desk and she said oh baby, harder harder harder faster faster faster yes baby."
My jaw dropped. Harryson, no you didn't. I snatched up his journal, made a quick call to Mr. D, the vice principal, and said, "Hi Mr. D, this is Kate. I'm sending Harryson up to the office with something simply precious that he wrote. I think he's going to need some in-school suspension for this one."
Thankfully, I have never met Harryson's father. Just his uncle, whose drool I practically had to wipe off of my desk after he came to translate for Harryson's mom one day when she came in for a conference.
Later today, in the lounge, Mr. D pontificated about inviting Harryson's mother to the school again so that her son could read his essay aloud to her. Not a bad idea.

Fun Day

Guess who wrote to me today? Dr. Sheldon, my old physics professor! Remember him? He married Kim in the admissions office. I worked with him on DuPont Research with him one summer and we used to go out to eat Chinese food back when I could REALLY put it away.

Anyway, he says he's coming to LA in March. He's coming for a conference and to do a quick presentation for the local alumnae chapter. He's bringing one of those annoying Jamaican girls with him. I really didn't like that clique. Never were there ruder, more isolated students on our campus. Kakenya hated them, too, so it's not a race thing.

Oh, and just so you know how SPECIAL I am, Dr. Sheldon says that I can call him Peter now. Oooooohhhhh. Hi Peter. He used to always joke about setting me up with his dad (British guy, professor at Harvard, now resident in London) and even gave me his dad's phone number and address in England when I went to Reading. He said that his dad, 60+, LOVES younger women. Isn't that sick? Dr. Sheldon wanted to pimp me to his dad. I did talk to his dad once on the phone, but it was just to organize a prank against Dr. Sheldon, which actually worked. I got him to call the physics lab in the middle of our end-of-term lectures. When he called he interrupted Kate Winton's presentation, which made it a smashing success to begin with, and then Dr. Sheldon nearly pissed himself when Kate answered the phone and said, "It's for you. It's your dad!" We had heard plenty about his dad because Dr. Sheldon used to tease me relentlessly about "secretly dating him" when I was in England the year before.

It should be fun to see him again. He's a funny guy.

I taught my kids to say "echo" when someone is reading or answering a question and they can't hear what it is they're saying. Well, of course they've gone nuts with it and they say it all the time. But now it does seem to be calmer and the weak, whispery kids are cranking up the volume. One of my troublesome ones, Carlos, nearly killed me yesterday. We're reading a story aloud called "All American Slurp". It's about a Chinese family that moves to America and all of their embarassing interactions with food at social functions. Anyway, everyone had a book, everyone was reading, and people were reading aloud audibly. Except Carlos. He's turned around, facing the class, eyes nowhere near the page. "Carlos! Get it together, babe! Read along with the story!" He looks at me, dead serious, and says, "I'm gettin' ready to say echo."

His entire focus was preparing to jump on the next kid he couldn't hear. You really had to be there, but his sincerity and incapacity to see the problem with his stance made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

My kids are funny. They make work a joy when they aren't trying to give me a heart attack.

Oh, and today I accidentally said shit. I am CERTAIN I'm going to hear about that from admin tomorrow. It was completely an accident. I hope they understand that...

This afternoon I went to my dermatologist and had another SmoothBeam laser for the acne scarring on my chin. First, they smear numbing cream on your face. Then you sit there in a little room for 15 minutes with other people with the same goop all over their faces. Then you wash it off. Then you go to the laser room, lay down on the paper on the table, put on protective goggles, and let nurse Myra zap you with the laser. She is so sweet, even if she does make me want to rip that agonizing laser out of her hand and poke her in the eye with it. She only lasers where there are scars, so it doesn't take very long. She started lasering and it didn't hurt as much as I was anticipating, so she asked me if I could go a little higher. Sure. So she said, "Let's take it to 10 out of 13." Umm, OK. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. "OOooohh," she said, "You're going nice and pink, that's a good thing!" OK. I didn't mind that it was up high and hurting, though, because I want to get my money's worth out of it. When I left the office, I got in my car and glanced in the rearview mirror. Holy Jesus. My chin was SO pink. It looked sunburned. Thank God it's calmed down now, though. I think I see some improvement in the scarring since the last treatment, too.

And on the guy-at-the-party front, that teacher at school wants me to go out with him on Friday with her and her husband. I had to lie and say that I'm going to Irvine. I don't know what to do now, because that guy likes me a lot more than I like him, but I don't want my relationship with this cool teacher to go all funny. I don't want to be the bitch...

Tomorrow is Hector's funeral, and I'm pretty sure I'm going. I have to go go find something suitable and black now...

Grandma

I don't know if you all know this, but she is a little loony now. She doesn't go out of the house, she says about 10 words a day, and we had to hire a girl to bathe and dress her 4 days a week. Well, about a year ago, I bought her a book called "Grandma, Tell Me Your Memories." Well, I didn't expect her to write in it, but I figured that when I came to visit her we could fill it out together with lots of prodding. A couple of weeks ago, I found the book on my bed. I figured her husband had just dumped it there to prompt me to put it away. When I picked it up, it fell open to a page. With her writing on it! She's filled in about half the book and never mentioned it to anyone. She just sits in her chair all day, not doing much at all, so I was astounded.

Here are some of her memories: She was born at Buckingham, Florida, USA
Her brothers were named Ormond, Horace (which she called Orazio one day), Loyl, William, and she had one sister named Juanita. All of her mother's children were name by Bessie, her deaf-mute sister.

Grandma's nickname as a child was "Larryno" instead of Lorna

Her father was a farmer and a policeman.

Her grandma came to visit her in Sale City, Georgia when she was a little girl. When Grandma entered the room, her Grandma said, "Well, isn't she pretty?" (I remember Grandma saying this to me when I was little.)

She never had an imaginary friend.

Grandma used to get swatted with a peachtree switch, when she was sent outside to pick herself. Her favorite meal as a child was grits and peanut butter.

"We used to meet at my Uncle Tom's house for Thanksgiving and all the family sang around the piano after dinner."

Tell about a school principal you remember: "I remember being in high school when the King of England announced his 'withdrawal'. The principal called 4 or 5 of us into the library and we heard it on the radio."

Grandma was Salutatorian of her high school . She had to give a speech at graduation!

She hitchhiked to Toledo, Ohio when she was in the Woman's Army Force withe her girl friend "Petunia."

She had ot to rake the pecan leaves from the yard and she had to wash the lunch dishes when she got home from school with her sister, Juanita.

I love my Grandma, even if she is a big pain in the butt.