Big Bear SCAT

Oh my Holy-Fucking-God. I have been immersed in NATURE for the past two days. Get it off!!!!!!

On Wednesday my principal came to my classroom to ask me a favor. A big one. Forty-five of our children were at science camp on Big Bear Mountain, and one of our teachers caught strep throat and couldn't go. Another teacher was up on the mountain, but he was going home that night due to family obligations. They really, really needed me to go up there that night. No one else would go. Everyone had an excuse. My brakes are shot/my 9-year-old and I have therapy/I did it a month ago. "OK, I like Big Bear. Sure, I can be up there tonight!" I said. After that, her thankful attitude changed. Find a sub, she told me. Right now.

OK, one of my other teacher friends was up on the mountain, too. If there are more than 30 kids, though, you gotta have 2 teachers to be in compliance. This is kind of complicated. Plus, there were 100 kids from south central LA on that mountain with their teachers, too. I called my teacher-friend around 6. "Hi! I'm going to leave in an hour and try to get there by 10." She seemed lucid. We chatted for a few minutes. She asked me to bring stationery if I could get my hands on some. Great. So they know I'm coming tonight, I've got a shitload of smores ingredients and chips and salsa. I've got my pillow, toothpaste, SPF 30. All set.

So I drove up there, didn't get lost, and made it to the camp (sign well hidden and sustantially off of the road) around 10:30. Fuck. There was a big gate across the entrance with a big fat chain and 2 padlocks on it. Great. I couldn't drive my car down. So I'm in the woods, it's 10:30, I don't know how far the campsite is down this road, and I have no reception on my cell phone. No options. So I change my shoes, put on my Grandpa's suede coat, and start down the road. I don't know if this place is 1 mile or 10 miles down the road. I decide if it's really, really far, I'll just turn around and get in my car and drive until I have cell phone coverage. So I'm about 2 minutes down the road, with only a sliver of moon guiding me, when I hear bear bellowing. I shit you not. I heard it, and it was scary, and it was behind me in the direction of my car. So I RAN. So fast. I was SO SCARED!!! I kept looking for trees to climb. All of a sudden, none of the thousands of trees seem to have limbs within reach. So I keep running down the road. It's dead silent. There can't possibly be 150 children within 100 miles of this place. There is a big water tower. I can't see a ladder to climb up. The whole time I'm running and looking over my shoulder for the bears.

Finally, I got to a cabin with lights on and I could see a guy working on a computer through a window. I flew down the hill and knocked. "Come on in!" To make a long story short, Kelly didn't mention I was coming that night. No one was expecting me. The road was slightly over a mile long. After some sarcastic comments about how I "Should have called ahead" I lost the guy and fell into bed. It's amazing how conducive camp cots are to very deep, restful sleep.

The next morning I got up and Shaun, the outdoor school's principal, told me that the animals I heard were probably from the reserve-type place down the road. She said they keep everything imaginable there for use in movies. She said I did hear bears, plus they've got elephants and tigers and tons of other stuff. I am so, so thankful I didn't hear wildcat sounds. I would have peed in my pants.

Outdoor science school was very fun! We looked at all these animal skulls and examined hearing nodes, sagittal crests, and teeth to determine what kinds of animals the skulls belonged to. All the animals could be found within 50 miles of where we were, and they had gophers, coyotes, raccoons, and mountain lions. Sweet. And totally fucking scary given the fact I was wandering around in those woods by myself the night before.

I learned some funny songs at science camp. One is about animal poop, called SCAT.

Oh, it starts with an S and it ends with a T!
It comes out of you and it comes out of me!
I know what you're thinking, but don't call it that!
Be scientific and call it SCAT!

The other one is about pine trees and it has lots of verses.
One goes like this:

Pine tree! Pine tree!!
whoooooaaaaaa baby
Let your xylem flow, Woosh!
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Pine tree! Pine tree!
Whoa baby let your xylem flow, Woosh!

The next night, two of our male students exposed themselves to some girl students, so I got to deal with that. Keep your dick in your pants, child. Please. For at least the next 5 years, ok?

When I got home today the ambulances were here. Grandma fell down again. She was covered in diarrhea so I cleaned her up in the shower and the paramedics bandaged her hand. Her blood pressure had gotten really low and she just collapsed. I love that other teachers copped out of the Big Bear duty because they have families and stuff. Of course, I'm the one that ends up with a family crisis and learns about it on the drive back!

I checked in with the school today and they let me know that my class was completely out of control and my substitute teacher was incompetent. Good. I wouldn't want to get any news that was out of the ordinary. Then I looked in my box and there was some message from a parent about the substitute making a racist remark to one of my kids. I put it back in my box and pretended not to see it, which I like to think was the sensible and professional way to handle the situation.

So I have some questions about the state of the world. Why is it that every camp in the world tells you to leave your pee in the toilet and just flush your poo? And why do they always paper the walls with posters about recycling? And why is it that the Spanish radio station always comes in as clear as a bell but Kiis 102.7 is always static-y when something good comes on?

OOOOooooooh, this weekend I'm going to meet two hot guys I met on yahoo. One is a pilot (I know, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt), and the other is a surgeon. The surgeon is my age exactly, the pilot is a lot older (I know, but I'm still going to give him the benefit) and the surgeon knows a guy at Heather's school. She is looking him up in the face book for me. The pilot flies internationally for Delta, so I'm going to play this one to the max. I space my replies to him very carefully. I never reply within 24 hours. He wrote to me because on my profile I said I like to travel and I wrote about some of the places I've been. I think he wants to go all over the world and wants someone to take with him. It seems he has only done Europe.

I'm going to dance the night away in Irvine tonight and then go to Candice's b-day party in Torrance Saturday. I'm meeting the boys on Sat/Sun during the day for coffee. Not together, of course.